I wanted to be a Hero…

I’m fairly certain it’s a common thing, boys wanting to play the Hero. Especially as a child, watching shows with super heroes, reading about how awesome heroes are. Single handedly defeating the badguys, overcoming all obstacles in life to kick some ass.

Playing video games, part of this feeling has never left me. I revelled in the “bad-ass” feeling you get when you’ve downed a tough boss fight, one that has you on the edge of your seat, cheering and jumping around upon the final victorious blow. That sense of pure determination to /finally/ beat the boss, that focus. I love it.  I think that’s partially why I’d love to be a hero. Maybe not a traditional Super Hero aka Spiderman, Ironman, Xmen, etc etc, but more a Final Fantasy kind of hero, end of the world, last man standing stuff. Or the Sacrificing yourself for selflessness scenario

I suppose my favourite sort of hero is the anti-hero. Never admitting he’s doing the right thing, other then to satisfy his own goals/ego/just to show he’s kick ass. Half in the dark, half in the light. On the edge of falling either way. Using the dark to help the light.

Is it sad, wanting to be a hero at the age of 20? Probably. I’ve grown up with epic stories, whether that’s in book, game or movie form. And every one of them, give me a rush when it all comes to a climax. That epic one liner, the deep quotes, the fantastic battles. I suppose I love the classic fantasy story of regular-ordinary-person turning into a super important hero. Probably because I’d love for something like that to happen to me. So I would be special, someone of note.

You know, it’s weird. I consider my friends the most wonderful people in the world, but in comparison I see myself as nothing really. Nothing to remark at, nothing important, not worth a thing. But so often do I put on my “armour”, an arrogant and confident farce to mask how I feel, and 90% of the time it works. 90% of the time. The other 10%? I feel alone, cold, worthless. New years was a classic example, I was surrounded by the most wonderful of people, beautiful girls, and more drink then I could get through. Yet I kept bouncing between happy chirpy and brilliant, to feeling completely alone. It’s stupid of me to say, and I feel bad for saying it, because I know how concerned my friends were for me that night.

Sephiroth: Tell me what you cherish most. Give me the pleasure of taking it away.
Cloud: You just don’t get it. There isn’t a thing I don’t cherish!

My friends mean so much to me, they give me hope, they give me strength, they have given me so much more then I deserve. I am far worse a friend then I should be, but I love them dearly. I wouldn’t want any other friends, and I hope I never lose them.

By this point in the post, I’m pretty much just writing the first thing that comes into my head, I’ve lost all coherency to my post. I started off talking about heroes, and now im talking about friends lol.

I suppose I wish I was a hero to my friends, I want to be able to save them from feeling shit, it’s a small heroism, minute. But it’s all I can do. I’ve always been a loner, and I suppose sometimes it’s hard to be in a group of friends, until I put my ‘mask’ on. Until I become mr confident and arrogant. Nothing can knock me then, but I know my friends know it’s just a defence mechanism I guess.

You know, sometimes I get jealous of how close my friends are with each other? Crazy right? I know. It’s ridiculous. I have the most amazing circle of friends and I get jealous because they are close to one another! What a shit friend I am.

I guess sometimes I take my friends for granted. Sometimes I don’t make enough effort for my friends.I hope they can forgive me for all the times I’ve made any of them feel bad. I dont think I deserve them.

Yeah, my post has gone way off track now. I think I’m going to call it quits, let’s just summarise…

  • My friends are awesome
  • I’m not so much
  • I couldn’t get by without my friends.
  • MM wants to be a hero/antihero.
  • MM needs a drink. Something strong.

I’ll leave you to it now, I think i’ve typed enough drivel for one day

Below, is a random image I google’d, and I just pasted some quotes I particularly like from online, games, and other bits and pieces.

Main image acquired from This DevArt Page
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