I wonder what it would be like to drop off the face of the world.

To be alone, leave my friends to themselves, my family to their lives. To have no impact on anyone at all. Solitude.

I think many folks lives would go on as normal. And I don’t think I make that much impact on people, that other people couldn’t replace that impact on their lives.

I don’t know why I think like this. I know a number of people would punch me for articulating these thoughts. But while I am alone in these evenings… it gets cold, and my thoughts turn to the worst thoughts it can…

“I’m not fit to help anybody…Not my family, not my friends. No one” – Cloud Strife, FF7 Advent Children

I hate it. I hate myself. I hate being alone, but I couldn’t be with anyone either. For every time I hide behind my “Shield” of arrogance that I display, I have one hundredfold thoughts of how shit I feel. It’s a defence mechanism. If folk believe I am 2000% ok, I can pretend I am.

One is the loneliest number. And One is what I am. I don’t deserve any more, and I won’t take anyone.

In a way, I am best on my own. I certainly work best alone. Maybe I will be better off in life alone. Though I don’t think certain folks would give me that chance.

I’m feeling far too self-conscious. I’m going to shut up now


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